Tagged: Top Stories
JOB VACANCY.
JOB VACANCY.
Wanted: One Pope.
Must be male, old, and catholic.
Some knowledge of the woods is good, but not essential.
Must be adept at keeping problems in-house.
Good references not necessary.
The applicant should be confortable wearing women’s clothing.
The big news story of the week is that the pope has resigned.
Basically he was going along great as the Pope, and then he joined Twitter, and now he has lost all interest in doing his real job.
I confess that I have been sending him quite a lot of sarcastic tweets since he joined, maybe that’s what got to him in the end.
No need to thank me, I see it as a public service.
WHAT HAPPENS IN VATICAN CITY, STAYS IN VATICAN CITY.
I wonder why he has chosen now to resign?
Whenever anyone in a position of power resigns suddenly, I always think that it’s to stop some unsavoury story from coming out.
But what could a man of god have to hide?
Perhaps Operation Yewtree has had further reaching consequences than we imagined.
Except that it has now closed, I would think the News Of The World had a hand in it.
I don’t suppose we will ever find out exactly what the butler saw.
As the pope is supposed to be God’s spokesman here on earth, I wouldn’t have thought resignation was an option!
Will god stop talking to him now, or will the ex pope still be in daily communication with god, but just stop passing the messages on to us?
POST POPE.
He is being given the traditional retirement gift of a gold watch.
Apparently they have managed to polish the Swastika off the back.
I think it is good that he has retired, he has spent his life doing the work of god and now he has time to sit back, relax, and enjoy his reward, before spending the rest of eternity burning in Hell.
I wonder what his post papal life will be like?
Lots of recently retired men struggle to come to terms with their retirement.
It must be even worse if you were the Pope.
Having worked your way up the ranks and reached the heights of pontiff, only to give it all away.
One day you are Pope Benedict XVI, the next you are plain old Georg Ratzinger.
One day you are a very powerful and influential man, and the next day you are just a bloke in a dress and a big hat trying to play golf.
Perhaps that’s it, without the big Pope Hat he doesn’t get the signals through from god anymore.
That might actually be where the real power is…in the big Pope Hat.
The Pope Hat might be the receiver for the voice of god, and anyone wearing it can hear the messages.
(This is no less plausible than all that other shit they would have you believe).
I have spent a couple of hours today making a replica Pope Hat out of cereal boxes and Sellotape, and I can report that I didn’t hear the voice of god, only a slight sound of the sea.
The sea, and my tinnitus (that I have had since a firework went off too close to me when I was a kid).
Unlike god, my tinnitus has always been there for me.
The downside of the Pope’s retirement is that the Catholic Church now have to elect a new leader, on the plus side, sales of Benedict XVI Tea Towels have gone through the roof.
EQUAL MARRIAGE.
Another big news story has been the government passing the bill on Equal marriage, allowing same sex couples to get married in both civil and religious ceremonies.
The vote was 400 for, and 175 against, with 136 of the votes against being Tories.
I think we should all chip in and buy a dictionary for all of those people who voted against so they can look up the word “Equality”.
As members of Parliament you would think they should know that it is illegal in the UK to discriminate against anyone on the grounds of their sexuality.
Of course the religious have been quoting from their Big Book Of Bigotry that its not god’s way.
Marriage has to be between a man and a woman as “Homosexuality is an abomination to God”
The bible also says you cannot wear two pieces of different cloth sown together in one garment, or have tattoos, or trim your beard.
The bible also gives advice about buying slaves, killing “Children who curse their parents”, and gives advice about the correct way to beat your wife.
Its there in all its glory in Leviticus, (have a look for yourself, especially if you are one of those Christians who hasn’t bothered to read the users manual yet).
Thankfully most Christians choose to ignore most of these rules, but still cherry pick the ones they like, as and when it suits them.
I don’t think rulebooks work like that!
Otherwise Alex Ferguson would have rewritten the FA Rule Book years ago.
I really don’t see what all the fuss is about?
The worst thing that can come of Gay Marriage is that straight people will have to reassess what they consider to be a FABULOUS wedding!
The church should just invest in a Mirror Ball and get on with it.
Equal Marriage will not affect religious people in any way.
Equal Marriage will not affect straight people in any way.
When the government first legalised Homosexuality, straight church goers didn’t suddenly get forced to start having anal sex. (Even if a bit of anal might do them the world of good).
As some bloke from a long time ago was supposed to say;
“LOVE ONE ANOTHER”
***No Catholics or Homophobes were injured in the making of this blog***
OOPS! I’VE KILLED MY CAR!
I had a rather interesting experience at the weekend.
I was driving home on the M40, quite happily listening to the radio and trying to decide which services I should stop at for lunch, when I suddenly found myself upside down.
Upside down and careering across the road.
I had been clipped by another car, which sent my Honda Civic rolling over on the motorway.
The busy M40 on a Saturday morning is not really a good place to be rolling about.
Its strange how your mind works in these situations, I remember thinking;
“Oh look I’ve got side airbags”
And realising that as there was nothing I could do, (brakes don’t work upside down), I should just ride it out.
Ride it out and wait until I hit something that would make me stop.
Next thing I knew the car was on its side, and I was hanging off my seatbelt.
I let myself down and did what everyone else would have done;
I looked about for my phone to tweet about what had happened. LOL.
No really, I did look for my phone before climbing out the driver’s side door, which was now on the top.
Some people had already stopped to assist, and the police pulled up and helped me get out.
They looked surprised that I had escaped without getting hurt, but more surprised when I asked;
“Is this free parking or pay and display?
The car was totally fucking totalled.
Everyone was very nice and helpful, and I suspect more than slightly relieved that they were not scraping my internal organs off the inside of the car.
An older lady who had stopped told me that;
“Jesus was looking out for you today”
That’s a very nice thought, but If only he had been looking out for me before I crashed I might not have destroyed my car.
I was then examined by the ambulance crew, who pronounced me fit and well.
I was interviewed and breathalysed by the police, who pronounced me clean and sober.
I was then towed away by a Recovery Truck driver who pronounced me;
”A lucky Bastard”.
My dead car and I were then taken to visit the car’s final resting place, a scrapyard near Oxford.
I hope that you never find yourself in this situation, but if you do here is what happens.
You phone your insurance company, tell them that you have just smashed your car to pieces, and they then arrange for someone to bring you out another one!
That’s right, within a couple of hours of the crash I was back on the same motorway driving home in a courtesy car!
Driving home in a courtesy car thinking;
“Do not crash this one as well or you will look like a right cunt!
I am very pleased to not be dead, but I really must have used up most of my 9 Lives by now!
This incident also serves as a good illustration of how the comedian’s mind works;
The moment that I realized I was not dead, before I even tried to get myself out of the crashed car, I thought to myself, I might get some good new jokes out of this.
As Friedrich Nietzsche might have said if he was a comedian;
That which does not kill us makes us stronger material for this years Edinburgh Fringe Show.
BACK TO THE FUTURE.
POSH GYM.
Today I went to a city centre gym that was easily the poshest gym I’ve ever been to in my life.
The gym that I normally train in at home only turns the heating on if the weights actually freeze to the racks, and their idea of luxury is a bucket beside the squat rack for you to puke in!
At this posh gym, everyone was wearing really smart, trendy gym kit.
I normally just go in old shorts and whatever t-shirt I had on the day before, but here everyone had expensive gym clothes that would not have been out of place on the winner’s podium at the Lycra Wearer of the Year awards.
Even the people who just got gym memberships for Christmas were well kitted out.
Oh by the way, if you are one of these gym newbies don’t think that we can’t spot you.
A new gym member can be spotted a mile off.
The newbie woman all have a sweatshirt tied around their waist because they think it hides their big bum, the newbie men are the ones lifting weights far to heavy for them in an effort to impress the other men.
At this gym today, I noticed a trend that I have not spotted before, the fashion for really big expensive headphones.
Everyone had these huge DJ style headphones on.
The place looked like on of those Silent Discos, but a bit sweatier.
Now I can see why you might not want to listen to the music that they pump into the gym, but why have these massive things on your head while exercising, surely they get in the way?
Then I realized that they are not there for listening to music!
Oh no!
These headphones are there to show the other people how cool you are!
Status headphones.
Fashion headphones.
Wanker headphones.
That’s why as iPods and MP3 players have gotten smaller and smaller until they are the size of a postage stamp, the headphones have gotten bigger and bigger.
They have to be big so that other people can see how much money you have spent, and how totally hip you are.
These days all the things that are on show are bigger, and flashier and more expensive, and the hidden stuff is smaller and more convenient.
Like a man driving a Hummer and his tiny penis.
Like women with huge hair -dos and a Brazilian.
Big hair and a Brazilian is the modern day equal vent of “Fur coat and no knickers”.
It’s was different in my day, in the 1980s I went out with a skinhead girl.
She had a shaved head and pubic hair that looked like Kevin Keegan’s mullet; big and curly with long straggly bits hanging down.
Also in the early ‘80s, you were no one if you didn’t have a massive ghetto blaster A barely portable sound system that you humped around with you, spending all of your pocket money on batteries that only lasted for half of an AC/DC cassette if you played it on full blast.
And of course you always played it on full blast!
One guy at this gym had his headphones on and his hood up, but as its no good having expensive headphones if no one can see them, and so he was wearing them over his hoodie.
So now he has expensive headphones but is listening to them thru a layer of cloth.
Nothing is going to sound good thru a layer of cloth….unless it’s Justin Bieber.
A couple of layers of cloth would improve Bieber.
To me this guy just seemed a fool; all that money spent just for the other people to think he was cool.
Unless he had cut out little holes in his hoodie and his ears were poking thru so he looked cool, and still had perfect sound quality.…then I’m the idiot!
PORN.
This week one of my friends told me that he and his girlfriend had been together for 15 years, so to spice up their love life they had started watching porn movies together.
I can not imagine anything worse!
Watching big professional pornstar cocks, and then I have to get out my little ginger Irish dick!
I think that is the difference between male porn stars and regular blokes; porn stars have COCKS, and regular guys have dicks.
You hear people saying “a hard cock” but people don’t really say “a hard dick”
Someone can be ”a bit of a cock” but it’s always “a total dick”.
A FABULOUS DAY OUT.
This weekend I have been performing in the lovely Glasgow Stand, and we had a comedians outing to the theatre.
All the acts from the gig; Ian Coppinger, Roisin Conaty, and Lloyd Langford plus Frankie Boyle and Glen Wool took ourselves to see 9 To 5 The Musical at the King’s Theatre in Glasgow.
Its was a fun show, Dolly Parton is part of the show, delivering her prerecorded lines from a big screen, which caused Glen Wool to whoop with delight every time she appeared.
While we all had a fabulous time, (you can’t write about a Dolly Parton show without using the word fabulous at least once), I don’t think that we were really their target audience.
Mostly the crowd was older women in groups; I don’t know what the collective noun for a group of older women is?
Perhaps a Menopause of older women.
They all seemed to have come well prepared, as there were lots of boxes of chocolates being passed around.
But even a lovely good-natured crowd like this, turned into nasty man haters when the sexist boss in the show got his comeuppance.
Thankfully we were safe as our very presence at a show like this marked us out as gay guys.
Next time you see a tabloid headline about what a terrible, vile monster Frankie Boyle is, just picture him clapping and singing along to 9 To 5.
Anyone who likes Dolly Parton can’t be all that bad.
ROLLER DISCO.
Today in Glasgow I saw this sign for a Roller Disco.
I’ve not heard of Roller Discos happening since the 1980s.
Maybe it’s true what they say;
What goes around comes around.
GETTING RECOGNISED.
I have been getting stopped in the street quite a lot recently by people who think that they recognise me from somewhere.
At first I thought it was from my shows, or perhaps my efforts on social networks was paying off.
But slowly I have come to the conclusion that it is actually because of this;
It’s the poster for DreamWorks new film; The Rise of the Guardians.
I must admit that i can see the similarity;
Once in Glasgow I had a man run up to me, out of breath and very excited, he had spotted me from his bus, got off and ran to catch up with me, so that he could ask for my autograph.
This doesn’t happen to me all that often, and I admit that I was a bit flattered.
He had seen me on a TV show that aired the previous night, and had recognised me in the street.
I signed my autograph on his piece of paper, and handed it back.
“Thanks Martin” he said, still a bit out of breath from running.
“Thanks very much……you were shite by the way”
HERE ARE SOME TWEETS FROM THE LAST WEEK:
Q: What do you call someone who only eats Circus Sideshow performers?
A: A Carnivore.
The first creature that dragged itself out of the water, and onto the land, had absolutely no idea that some of its descendants would become creationists.
I find Russel Howard utterly unwatchable, thus proving, once and for all, that i am not a teenage girl.
Here is a fun drinking game to play during BBC Children in Need.
Take a drink every time you see a male celebrity with an erection.
Nick Clegg looks like a man who has had his soul pulled out through his arse.
Clearly Israel thought Romney was going to get in.
Now they need to use the missiles before they pass their sell by date.
Freak Floods are happening all over the world.
the Lord works in mysterious waves.
The Irish National Rowing Team have been accused of having too many foreign oarsmen.
They are up the creek without a paddy.
God created everything in the Universe, and he loves us all unconditionally.
Unless you are gay and want to get married!
JESUS LOVES YOU.*
*Terms and conditions apply.
Martin Mor 