OOPS! I’VE KILLED MY CAR!

I had a rather interesting experience at the weekend.

I was driving home on the M40, quite happily listening to the radio and trying to decide which services I should stop at for lunch, when I suddenly found myself upside down.

Upside down and careering across the road.

I had been clipped by another car, which sent my Honda Civic rolling over on the motorway.

The busy M40 on a Saturday morning is not really a good place to be rolling about.

Its strange how your mind works in these situations, I remember thinking;

“Oh look I’ve got side airbags”

And realising that as there was nothing I could do, (brakes don’t work upside down), I should just ride it out.

Ride it out and wait until I hit something that would make me stop.

Next thing I knew the car was on its side, and I was hanging off my seatbelt.

I let myself down and did what everyone else would have done;

I looked about for my phone to tweet about what had happened. LOL.

No really, I did look for my phone before climbing out the driver’s side door, which was now on the top.

IMG_1669

Some people had already stopped to assist, and the police pulled up and helped me get out.

They looked surprised that I had escaped without getting hurt, but more surprised when I asked;

Is this free parking or pay and display?

The car was totally fucking totalled.

Everyone was very nice and helpful, and I suspect more than slightly relieved that they were not scraping my internal organs off the inside of the car.

An older lady who had stopped told me that;

Jesus was looking out for you today

That’s a very nice thought, but If only he had been looking out for me before I crashed I might not have destroyed my car.

I was then examined by the ambulance crew, who pronounced me fit and well.

I was interviewed and breathalysed by the police, who pronounced me clean and sober.

I was then towed away by a Recovery Truck driver who pronounced me;

A lucky Bastard”.

My dead car and I were then taken to visit the car’s final resting place, a scrapyard near Oxford.

IMG_1670

I hope that you never find yourself in this situation, but if you do here is what happens.

You phone your insurance company, tell them that you have just smashed your car to pieces, and they then arrange for someone to bring you out another one!

That’s right, within a couple of hours of the crash I was back on the same motorway driving home in a courtesy car!

Driving home in a courtesy car thinking;

“Do not crash this one as well or you will look like a right cunt!

I am very pleased to not be dead, but I really must have used up most of my 9 Lives by now!

This incident also serves as a good illustration of how the comedian’s mind works;

The moment that I realized I was not dead, before I even tried to get myself out of the crashed car, I thought to myself, I might get some good new jokes out of this.

As Friedrich Nietzsche might have said if he was a comedian;

That which does not kill us makes us stronger material for this years Edinburgh Fringe Show.

8 comments

  1. Geraint

    That’s a hell of a mess, glad you weren’t injured. Do you know if the offending driver was stopped/arrested?

  2. woxwhite

    I had a similar experience on the M40 with wife and daughter with friend taking them to see Take That!
    As you say it all goes slow enough to think logically. We bounced and rolled over and landed upright. All escaped unhurt thankfully but the only comedy I could think of was, brilliant can’t get to Earls Court and see TT!

  3. Andy White

    Crikey! Glad you were able to walk away from that one and retain your sense of humour. Good luck with the Edinburgh show. Not many start with car crashes, although quite a few end up that way.

  4. stuwho

    Fukkinell ye were damn lucky to walk away from that, sir!!!

    Sorry to hear that … but admit it … twas a moment of high-speed, hand relief that went awry? Right?

  5. Nicholas Shearer

    My response, bearing in mind no damage to your good self or humour is “Awesome crash!” Had one of those when i was about 5 – Dad skidded and rolled down an embankment.I had been sleeping in the back (pre-seatbelts). Woke up to the confusion of a window above me. Somehow crawled out, looked at the car, and asked my Dad “When are we getting a new car?”. Humour appreciated by shocked parents and bystanders (though to a 5 year old that was a simple statement of fact). Hooray for humour and lack of serious hurts.

  6. Lisa Deville

    So you’re the reason i was bloody late on Saturday morning – some people are sooooooOOoooo inconsiderate. Glad you’re well though…xXx

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