Category: Comedy

HEARD IT THRU THE GRAPEVINE.

Here is an old joke that is told between comedians;

Two comedians; A and B are having a coffee and a chat, one says to the other;

A: “Did you hear about the great set i did on Live At The Apollo?”

B: “No i didn’t hear about that, but I’m glad it went well”

A: “Did you hear that I’ve been commissioned to have my own series on BBC Radio 4?”

B: “Naw, I hadn’t heard but well done”

A: “I had the worst gig ever last night…

B: “Yes! I heard about that”

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cracker

With it being December lots of my shows are in comedy clubs full of work’s dos, and christmas parties.

These can often be quite challenging places to perform as the audiences tend to be a bit more drunk than usual, with very short attention spans.

Lots of comedians totally hate these gigs and just take  most of the month off, many comedians are totally not suited to performing at these gigs but do them anyway as they need/want to money.

Personally i like the challenge of a big room full of “merry” people, if you get it to work the rewards are great, and often result in some of the best shows that a club comedian will ever do.

But more often than not its just a battle to keep their attention.

I enjoy the challenge because its like a really high risk “improv’ show, where the performer has to use their speed of thought, and years of experience to deal with what ever the audience throw at them.

Think Whose Line Is It Anyway? crossed with the gladiatorial spectacle of the Roman games.

As in Roman times there is often blood, (even if it’s just metaphorically flowing from the shattered ego of a comedian), and the gathered masses get to make the decision about whether you live or die.

The worst thing about dying at a Christmas show is that the comedian can often see it coming a long time before the audience realise that it’s going to happen.

Years of experience have taught the seasoned performer what signs and omens to watch out for, and there is one particular sign that almost always means that the comedian is about to die on stage.

One omen that when it is spotted, it causes an experienced act to glance hopefully at their watch and pray that it will show that they have done enough time to leave the stage with their head held high, and their reputation torn into big enough shreds that it is possible to stitch it back together again.

What is this sign…?

What is this his omen of impending doom…?

It’s when the comedian glimpses in the corner of their eye that the waiting staff have gathered and …

…they are getting ready to…

…SERVE THE DESSERTS!!!

waiters

 

There are many great comedians who have been sacrificed on the altar because of a badly timed Black Forest Gateaux.

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Anyway, back to the old comedians joke that I started this blog with;

Recently I opened a christmas show, then drove quickly across the city to another comedy club where I closed that show.

I walked off stage at one club, and 15 minutes later was on stage at a different club.

All in all it was a rowdy but fun nights work.

I walking back to my car when a young couple coming the other way stopped me on the street and said that they had really enjoyed my set.

As they seemed to be coming from the opposite direction than I was, and that show had only ended 5 minutes before, I asked them what show they had seen?

It was the first gig, the one that I had opened at.

They said that they had enjoyed my bit, but said that the other act* had done really badly as all the audience had gotten much drunker by then, and he had really struggled to get thru his set.

drunk-christmas-party-w

I wished them a Merry Christmas, thanked them for their kind words about my set, and walked on.

Of course I immediately phoned my mate, the last act at the first gig, and asked him how he had gotten on.

“Terrible” he said.

“I died on my arse for 20 minutes’

“Yes I heard that” said I.

 

*I’ve left out the name of the other act as professional courtesy, but if you have my phone number give me a call and I will definitely tell you who the poor fucker was.

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THERE ARE NO INTELLIGENT RELIGIOUS PEOPLE.

Have you ever noticed that there are no intelligent religious people?

If you are the sort of person who likes to have a knee jerk reaction please leave now and go straight to the comments section at the bottom of the page.

Do it quickly now before your brain kicks in and you start accidentally thinking.

Back to my original statement;

THERE ARE NO INTELLIGENT RELIGIOUS PEOPLE.

There exists a sort of sliding scale of intelligence where the more religious a person is, the less intelligent they are.

It is almost in direct proportion.

Very religious = very stupid.

homosexuals-are-gay

A person can be a little bit religious, and a little bit intelligent.

But no one is very religious and very intelligent at the same time.

This is easiest to spot in religious extremists.

There are no intelligent religious extremists, only stupid ones.

For example suicide bombers are never the brightest sparks, well maybe they are for a split second as they blast off to heaven to get their reward.

suicide bomber

(BTW We should be thankful that often anyone willing to kill in the name of religion is also ready to die for it.The sooner that DNA is removed from our collective gene pool the quicker we can all evolve into intelligent, peaceful atheists).

Of course there are religious people who appear to be intelligent.

Do not be fooled by this illusion.

They are either religious or intelligent, they can not be both.

In reality they are often not actually religious people, in reality they are intelligent people trying to appear religious.

Now why would an intelligent person want to appear religious?

I’ll tell you why.

They are hiding out in plain sight, pretending to be religious people while they carry out their evil ways.

People like Tony Blair,

Killer Blair

or the Pope.pope4

Both clearly intelligent people, both clearly evil people, and both pretending to be religious in order to get away with their evil deeds.

It is of course very common to find evil people hiding behind a smokescreen of religion.

For further proof please Google “paedophile priests”

Pedo priest

Another category of person who seems to be attracted to religion are the mentally ill, and these poor people need our help and support whenever possible.

Unfortunately it is not always easy to distinguish between the genuinely mentally ill and the religiously deluded, as often they all hear voices, or in the case of the religious they follow the guidance of the priest who hears the voices for them.

So in conclusion, if a person is very religious they fall into one of these categories:

Stupid.

Evil.

Mentally ill.

Or they might just be a child who has not reached the age of reason yet, in which case we need to educate them, and protect them, and keep them away from the stupid people, and the evil people.

and Tony Blair.

Definitely keep your children away from Tony Blair.

 

PEOPLE WHO KEEP CATS ARE NOT ANIMAL LOVERS.

 

I have had a couple of my friends fall out with me recently because i made this simple statement;

PEOPLE WHO KEEP CATS ARE NOT ANIMAL LOVERS.

I didn’t mean to upset anyone, but its true and they needed to be told.

They might be cat lovers but they are definetly not animal lovers.

People who keep cats cannot describe themselves as animal lovers, because they are either the facilitators, or the practitioners of animal cruelty.

Here is the logic behind that statement;

If you let your cat outdoors it will hunt and kill native species of birds etc.

It will dig up your neighbours garden.

It will shit on your neighbours property.

If peoples dogs were running round killing things and digging up the neighbour’s gardens, there would be an outcry, but because cats do most of their dirty deeds under the cover of darkness they get away with it.

Stalking around our towns by night causing havoc, and hiding out by day in the disguise of a fluffy family pet.

A family pet that murders for fun.

Cute-Cats-cats-33440930-1280-800

 

Only showing their trophies, and their true nature to their owners.

And their so called animal lover owners help to cover up the killings by hiding the bodies.

I had a friend who said that her cat was not like that and never ever killed anything, but when pressed about it she admitted that it did bring things in, but only once or twice a week.

Even if your cat only kills animals once or twice a week that is still 50 to 100 plus creatures killed in a year, and a domestic cat can live for 15 years so that’s up to 1,500 deaths of native species caused by just one domestic cat.

The worse thing was that this woman also has bird feeders up in her garden, tempting the victims in to that her pet killer can murder them for fun.

Rather than being an animal lover, she is an accomplice in animal killing.

gty_cat_kills_bird_dr_110322_wg

Of course not all cat owners are aiding and abetting their little death dealers in the slaughter.

Many people get round this problem by keeping their cats indoors all the time.

The so-called “house cat”.

Lion

Sorry to burst your bubble….but;

There is no such thing as a house cat; it is just a cat that has the misfortune of belonging to the sort of people who are willing keep it imprisoned for life.

Locked up indoors all day, every day, day after day, all year, for all of its life.

A living creature locked up for the entirety of its life, simply for your pleasure.

A life sentence so that you can stroke it occasionally.

If your cat is happy in the house all day, then why is it always looking out of the window?

Looking out the window at a world that it will never be allowed to experience.

sad-cat-snowy-window_0

No wonder that when you return home your cat seems happy to see you, the poor thing is desperately bored and lonely.

When you take the hood off a prisoner in Guantanamo Bay, I bet that they are quite pleased to see you.

What cat owners think of as love is actually Stockholm Syndrome.

bottle,cat,trapped-5736e94e03bb68d7727214fce7a01698_hA cat can live for 15 years, locked up indoors for 15 years.

A domestic cat will range up over surprisingly large distances on its nocturnal excursions, have a look at this link:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-22567526

By anyone’s standards keeping one locked up all the time is a cruel and unusual punishment.

Except that unfortunately it is not at all unusual.

This is definitely not the behaviour of an animal lover.

Perhaps there is another option if you insist upon keeping a cat; Take your cat for a walk on a lead.

This is done so rarely that you hardly ever see it done.

cat lead

This all brings me to the conclusion that however you are keeping your cat there is some cruelty involved, either to the native creatures that get toyed with and killed or to the cat itself.

Imagine if someone you knew had a dog that never left the house, that never got a walk, never in its entire life.

You would be straight on the phone to the RSPCA.

In my opinion cats are totally unsuitable animals to be kept as pets; you can’t let them out with causing damage to native wildlife, and you can’t keep them in, as that is cruel to the cat.

There is an alternative;

IF YOU WANT A CAT GET A DOG.

Dogs have all the same good qualities of a cat, a loving companion, fun to play with, like being stroked. But with the added advantage that you can, (indeed you have to), take it out for walks.

And I think this highlights the real reason why most so called “cat lovers” are attracted to cats;

They are a pet that you do not have to invest very much effort into.

A cat is a pet for people who can’t really be bothered caring for a pet.

If the majority of your interaction with your pet happens with you sitting on the sofa then something is wrong.

Sofa

Of course not all dog owners are the sort of people who you would trust to look after a living creature.

There are a whole group of dog owners who I would like to see banned from ever keeping pets.

These people have an entire industry dedicated to supplying them with the items they need to publicly display their unsuitability as pet owners.

I am of course talking about the people who like to dress their dog up in human clothes!

dog princess

Dogs are not dolls for you to play dress up with!

They are living creatures not your toys.

Within this group of people who indulge in this forced anthropomorphic cross-dressing, there is an even crueler faction, the worst of the worst;

The people who dress, and treat their dogs like human babies.

dog-dressed-as-baby

Clearly this is wrong.

I’ve even seen dogs with little booties on their feet.

Anybody who dresses a dog like a human child should not be allowed to have a dog…or a child.

Next time you see a person who is treating a dog like this, look at them a little bit closer, are they a well balanced, fully functioning member of society?

No of course they are not!

They are clearly a fucking weirdo!

It’s not cute, it’s not funny, (well sometimes it is funny, but only if it is a one off joke and not how the poor creature will be treated for its entire life).

Spider dog

Ok now I realise that many people will think I am being a bit harsh here, that this is just harmless fun, so consider this;

Think how we would feel if that same adult instead of having a dressed up dog, had a doll that they dressed up.

Imagine if they were carrying a doll around with them.

An adult with a doll that they dressed up, that they took out for walks, and showed to people for them to say how cute their doll was.

We would think that there was something wrong with them.

Well that is exactly how we should view this behaviour when its victim is a dog.

A dog is not a substitute for a child, so if you really want something to dress up and play with get a doll, not a dog.

If there really was a god, (of course there fucking isn’t…grow the fuck up).

If there really was a god, or any natural justice in the world, then if these dodgy doggy dress up dickheads ever actually did manage to find someone to procreate with, and had a baby… then it would come out looking like a pug!

baby pug

Actually all babies do start out pug ugly…

But don’t get me started on babies.

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WHY DO WOMEN WEAR MAKE UP AND PERFUME?

“Why do women wear make up and perfume?

Because they’re ugly and they smell”

 

The big news in social network land this week has been a popular trend for women to post photographs of themselves without any make up on.

The idea was to raise money for Cancer Research.

The women would take a photograph of themselves without any make up on, post it on Facebook and Twitter, and people would reward them for their efforts by making a donation to Cancer Research.

Using the hash tag #nomakeupselfie, thousands of women took part and raised an amazing 2 million pounds.

While this is clearly a great thing for the charity concerned it also raised awareness of another issue;

That some women are afraid/uncomfortable/unhappy to be seen in public without make up on.

How strange that this should be happening in a modern country in 2014!

The thing that got to me was that a great many of these people were being described as “brave” for daring to go make up free?

If a woman in a Taliban controlled area of Afghanistan defied the men who were oppressing her, and stopped wearing her burka that would most definitely be brave.

Burka

But for women in the UK to be called brave for simply showing their face seems to highlight a problem.

What has happened to all these women’s self esteem?

I remember first thinking about this years ago when a friend of mine was going out with a really nice girl who wore quite a lot of make up.

Our group of friends all thought that she was great, and we were surprised when he told us that he was planning to split up with her.

We then subjected him to the usual sort of nosey interrogation that only friends and MI5 can get away with, as to the reasons why.

When he finally cracked and spilled the beans it turned out that he had never seen her without her make up on, she would get up before him every morning and put her full slap on before he was allowed to see her.

This had caused him to feel that no matter how close they got, no matter how intimate they became, she was always hiding something from him.

That he could never actually see the real her.

too_much_makeup

In his words she was “always wearing a mask”.

I expect that quite an extreme example, (I hope), but you see my point?

I feel that it is really quite sad if women are feeling the need to mask up in order to be accepted in society.

This is almost like a cultural burka.

These days we all know about the lengths that woman’s magazines will go to perpetuate this feeling of low self esteem; airbrushing, using anorexic models, etc.

Women’s magazines are propaganda tools for an insidious industry trying to sell you stuff.

Lots of stuff!

face-washing-slider

The same magazines that promote and feed these feelings of inadequacy make a large percentage of their profits from the very industry that can sell you the “solution”.

They are like drug dealers for the make up companies, keeping you feeling bad about your self and introducing you to “their man” who can sell you something to take the pain away.

drug_dealer

Of course we know that this doesn’t work and the empty feeling of inadequacy can not be filled with pan stick and lip gloss, but once they have you hooked you just keep coming back for more.

The (overly) simple answer is to cut them off at the source, and just stop buying these magazines.

Here is a little secret, a secret that everyone already knows;

Men don’t want women to look like some super model.

If a man really likes you it is for your personality and not just your looks.

If any potential partner’s main requirement is what you look like then they are probably not a keeper.

stringfellow

Of all these women that took part in #nomakeupselfie, I bet none of their partners would love them any less if they stopped wearing the make up.

There is nothing more attractive than a happy, confident woman who is comfortable in her own skin.

Women of the world unite; you have nothing to lose but your chains…

And your blocked pores.

 

be a man

This problem is not just limited to women.

As a 50 year old man I have see a slow change over the years in the way that the cosmetics companies have started to target men.

Not content with chipping away at the self-esteem of 50% of the population, they want to make 100% of people to feel bad about their looks.

And of course this is all designed to increase the market for their products.

man make up

I saw an advert recently;

A slightly greying man in his late 40s, dressed in a smart business suit and looking amazing, smiles at a beautiful young woman in a lift, she smiles back.

The voice over says: “what you think are great lines, she thinks of as premature aging” .

What they really are saying is “stop feeling good about yourself, you are worthless if a young women does not think you are attractive”.

Now we all know that women, even young ones, are usually not that shallow.

Neither are most men.

The cosmetics company has a plan:

“Now that we have planted a seed of unhappiness, buy our product.

We will be back to water that seed on a regular basis”.

Don’t let them water that seed.

Aging is natural, they can’t stop it.

All they want to do is sell you their product and they will systematically lower your self-esteem in order to do so.

These companies have to spend millions in order to do this, they have to run these campaigns for years, and they have to get you hooked when you are young.

Why?

Because it is so easy for you to stop buying the shit they are trying to sell you.

Just say no.

Choose happiness.

man_make up

Then another issue raised its head;

In support of, and as a response to #nomakeupselfie lots of men started to post photos of themselves wearing “woman’s” make up.

This was all considered a great laugh.

Mrs Brown

Why is a man looking like a woman considered funny?

There is a long history of men dressing as women Britain.

Men dressing up as women on stag nights…

Men dressing as women in panto…

Men dressing as women in comedy shows.

dickemery1_396x222

 

The generally this is considered funny because men are often thought of as being higher status than women, so by dressing like a woman the man is lowering his status…for a laugh.

Even as recently as during my lifetime people used to black up in the name of entertainment, blacking up for a laugh.

As black people were not viewed as equals, a white man blacking up was lowering his status as so it was considered funny.

Black_and_White_Minstrel_Show

I wonder if future generations will look back at us and ask;

Why was looking like a woman funny?

Just as we now ask why was blacking up thought to be funny?

Iggy

 I like Iggy Pop’s take on it.

This judging people by their looks is all bullshit anyway.

People are scared of young black guys in hoodies in case they are muggers, when really the biggest muggers have been proven to be the respectable white, middle class men in their business suits.

bankers_in_bowler__2280843b

The country isn’t fucked because of young guys in hoodies, it’s fucked because of business criminals in business suits.

Try this; every time you see a man or woman in a business suit look at them with suspicion.

Every time you see someone wearing a costume of respectability, ask your self; what are they up to?

We have very little to fear from hoodies, we have a lot to fear from men in suits.

If you want to keep your children safe warn them about the dangers of white, middle class men in suits.

So far we have been giving respect to the wrong people, based on what they look like, based on their gender, race, how they dress.

People have been showing respect to things that you can simply  buy if you have enough money; a business suit, a crown, a peerage.

This all goes to show that we should judge people by their actions, not their looks.

Perhaps when we actually have equality a man looking like a woman will no longer be funny.

Perhaps when we have equality women will only wear make up if they want to, not because they feel that they have to.

And they won’t be called brave for showing their face.

I’m hoping that it won’t be too long before this happens.

Take the #nomakeupselfie, a bunch of women raised 2 million pounds in 24 hours by simply posting a photograph of themselves.

Just think what we could do if we actually put our minds to it.

 

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SOMETHING FOR NOTHING.

Today at the Conservative party conference in Manchester, George/Gideon Osborne stood up to make his speech.

One of his ideas was to get the long term unemployed to “Work For The Dole”.

He spoke out against people getting something for nothing, which seems a bit much coming from a man who inherited the family fortune.

wave George-Osborne-006

Now I’m not comfortable with this Work For The Dole idea, perhaps if it was Training On The Dole where people could go and learn skills that would lead them towards actual employment, but WFTD seems too open to misuse.

I wonder which of the big businesses, (that our Governments strive so hard to appease); will be getting some nice new slaves to work for them.

With the bill footed by us the taxpayer.

Not paying their fair share of tax and now getting people to work for them for free, we seem to have allowed a new class of Overlords to take control.

All of the government’s plans seem to favour the rich:

The Right To Buy; how long before all of these properties end up in the hands of rich landlords?

Most of the country’s affordable housing ultimately finishes up as good investments for the wealthy, rather than being owned by the people who actually live there.

Osborne was speaking about a culture of ‘something for nothing”

George Osborne announcing welfare reforms

Something for nothing.

The government always makes a big deal about the amount of housing benefit paid to the people on benefits.

But the Benefits claimants don’t see a penny of that money; it all goes to the landlords.

These people are not living in mansions; they live in normal houses, in normal areas.

The housing benefit bill is high because the rents are extortionately high.

Here comes a real shocker!!!

The rents are high because the rich are greedy.

fat-cat-dollars

And who was it that sold off all of our affordable council housing?

Her legacy lives on.

Margaret Thatcher, prime minister 1979-90

Something for nothing;

In this country we have the outrageous situation where we have the Working Poor.

Firstly if you are working then you should not be poor.

If you have a job then it should pay a living wage so that you can afford to support yourself and your working family without the need for benefits.

And who is actually doing really well out of this situation?

The big businesses that can only get away with paying disgustingly low wages because they are topped up with benefits.

Really instead of thinking that the benefits are going to the working poor, the truth is that they are going to the rich business owners and their rich shareholders.

(Even more disturbing when you think that many shareholders only have shares because it makes them more money than their bank accounts, workers are struggling to survive while the profits are skimmed off to bolster someone’s savings).

Our tax is being used to subsidise the profits of the already rich.

pcsLondonosborne

So we have workers trapped on benefits because employers are allowed to pay immorally low wages.

We will have people on the dole working for free, while the employers get workers who they don’t have to pay.

I think its clear to see who this system is really designed to help!

Something for nothing,

Who exactly are these people getting something for nothing?

Just take a look around you, it’s the rich and privileged.

I expect that Osborne doesn’t even think of himself as privileged, I expect that he thinks of himself as a hard working parent from a hard working family, (to use some of their own bullshit).

Now I’m sure that he does work hard, but that is his choice.

He doesn’t have to.

If he doesn’t do another days work in his life, he will be ok, his family will all be ok.

Contrast that with people holding down two jobs who can’t afford to take a day off sick.

It’s almost like politics has become a hobby for the rich to indulge in.

It’s a game for them to play, and a game that they wont ever lose because they are already extremely wealthy.

How can people from this background ever be expected to understand the lives of the average citizen, let alone the lives of the British underclass?

Osborne thought that he was roughing it when he tweeted a photo of himself working late at night and dining on burger and chips.

bur osborne

A burger that cost £10.

For many people in the country a £10 burger is a luxury that they can only dream of in the queue for the Food Bank.

In fact for many people these days, a regular McBurger is a luxury they can only dream of.

This simply illustrates the problem with our rulers; they live in a different world than we do.

How can they be expected to make decisions that help anyone but the rich?

They do not care about the herd other than to use and exploit them for their own ends.

It’s really not their fault that they were born into a rich family, and went to the best schools, and had great business contacts from before they were weaned off nanny’s milk.

Forgive them for they do not know what they do.

Or perhaps they do know and just don’t give a fuck!

But when they make decisions that affect us all, they need to look down and smell the No Frills instant coffee.

They need to understand how the herd really lives.

Osborne probably doesn’t even think of himself as privileged, after all in The Bullingdon Club he was know as “Oik” because he only went to the second best school in the country.

bull276

He has friends who are much better off than him.

This idea was illustrated recently by my good friend the comedian Robin Ince.

Robin readily accepts that he comes from a privileged background (see blog here; http://robinince.wordpress.com/2013/08/29/so-i-checked-my-privilege-the-other-day/).

Now Robin is a left leaning, socially aware person.

I would describe him as a thoroughly decent human being.

But even he recently tweeted a Follow Friday Tweet for comedians who had;

“made it in comedy without Privilege”.

On Robin’s list were Josie Long and Al Murray both of who went to Oxford University.

Now I can vouch for the fact the Robin is an intelligent and well-informed man, but in his world, with his background, going to Oxford University does not count as a privilege!

For people from a privileged background everyone goes to university.

For some people every one of their friends went to Oxbridge.

There are so many really intelligent working class people growing up on housing estates throughout the country who will never get the chance to go to university, for whom university would be considered an extreme privilege.

My point being that if even an aware person like Robin can overlook the influence of where you are born, what is it going to be like for Osborne, who grew up surrounded by the children of the rich, who now spends his life surrounded by millionaires?

Perhaps I can illustrate this better?

A few years ago I flew to South Africa for the Capetown Comedy Festival.

As the plane approached the airport it flew over a massive shantytown.

The people there were living in really rough conditions; tin huts, dirt roads, bad sanitation.

shanty 240211-DSC03297

Now everyone on the flight had been forewarned about this disturbing sight by the inflight magazine, which had a section asking us not to judge the country on first impressions, but rather to wait until we got into the city and saw all the great shops, restaurants, and hotels before making our judgment.

Aerial View Sea Point

I think my first impression was correct, that a lot of people in South Africa seemed to be having very hard lives, while a few lucky people were doing very well indeed.

While here in the UK we don’t have people living in shanty towns (yet), Osborne and his ilk would have you ignoring the poorest amongst us, and celebrating how well the rich elite are doing.

I think it is better to judge a country by how its poorest are treated.

Rather than something for nothing, how about something for everyone?

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Murray…MINT.

There was lots of excitement at the weekend when Andy Murray won Wimbledon.

How great to see a working class Scottish lad succeeding at the highest levels of his chosen sport.

Slightly strange that the sport was tennis, but I suppose it takes all sorts.

Wimbledon_2013__Andy_Murray___the_Twitter_reaction

Murray’s is such a great story having survived the tragedy of the Dunblane shootings, and gone on to make it to the top in his field.

It’s like a fairytale.

In fact the scripts are already in development for a Hollywood movie of his life with Mel Gibson expected to take the lead role as Murray, Gwyneth Paltrow playing his Mother, and Sean Connery playing Ivan Lendl the hardened old Czechoslovakian coach who leads him to victory.

Mel-Gibson-Smart-Car

 Mel Gibson practicing his serve.

The working title is Brave Ace. A good day to serve hard.

A strange thing also happened with a lot of the media celebrating that he was the first brit to win Wimbledon for 77 years.

Totally amazing!

If only it was true.

VirginiaWade_468x362

Virginia Wade won Wimbledon in 1977, but it seems that women don’t count.

Scotland and UK flags

There has been quite a lot of fuss about Murray being claimed as British by some English tennis fans.

Murray used to publicly identify himself as Scottish but now he seems to be firmly onboard with being British.

I expect that his agent might have persuaded him towards this change with the use of a calculator.

It is simple economics, the bigger the fan base the bigger the paydays.

You can’t really blame him, sport like most other activities has been turned in a business and brand British Murray is very sellable…as long as he can keep winning.

I really enjoyed watching the game on Sunday, mainly as I was live tweeting loads of sarcastic comments on Twitter.

twitter-tennis

It was interesting on the social networks to see so many people claiming to be “proud” of Andy Murray.

Now I expect that I am as pleased as the next casual observer that he won, but being “proud” seems to be using the wrong word.

The Oxford dictionary says;

Definition of proud

Adjective

  • 1      feeling deep pleasure or satisfaction as a result of one’s own achievements, qualities, or possessions or those of someone with whom one is closely associated: a proud grandma of three boys
she got nine passes and he was so proud of her.

So by that definition Andy Murray can feel proud of himself.

Anyone close to him can feel proud of their relative, friend, and of their own efforts to help him.

But as most of these proud Murray fans have absolutely nothing to do with him I don’t think they can call themselves proud.

You cannot be proud of another person’s achievements.

Achievements that you had absolutely no hand in.

Perhaps a football fan who contributes to their teams success by attending games, buying merchandise, and showing their support can be allowed some degree of pride in their team.

But most of these proud tennis fans just watched it at home…

This claiming pride in another’s achievements merely because you like them, because they come from your country or the country next door to your country, is an attempt by a certain type of person to bask in another’s glory.

Rather than actually achieving anything themselves, they are happy to try to elevate their own status by piggybacking on the success of another.

Its the sports fans equivalent of photo bombing.

Famous-Photobomb

“ I’m so proud of Andy Murray”

YOU had nothing whatsoever to do with his success you don’t get to be proud.

You can be;

Satisfied,

Content,

Thrilled,

Thrilled to bits,

Pleased,

Well pleased,

Joyful,

Made up,

Over the moon,

Cock a hoop.

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But instead you are being; Attention seeking and narcissistic.

For many people it’s National Pride,

“I’m so proud that a fellow brit has done well”

YOU had nothing to do with it!

You just happen to have been born here as well.

National pride always seems to be a way for the people in power to control the working classes.

Flags two

A little bit of propaganda to distract you from how fucked up the country is.

So what if you have lost your job, and we are syphoning your taxes off into our offshore accounts.

LOOK a person who was born somewhere near where you were born is not fucked like you, LOOK he has won something shiny, and you should celebrate.

Ok if that is actually enough for you, if being from the same country is enough for you to feel pride in another person’s success, then you also have to take some responsibility for the bad things that happen.

Poor Gazza struggling with drink and violence should make you ashamed to be English.

How many people upon hearing about Stuart Hall’s recent conviction for kiddie fiddling came out and said; ”I’m ashamed to be English”

Hall

No one did because it was nothing to do with you.

Just as Andy Murray’s grit and determination, and natural talent has nothing to do with you.

TENNIS-GBR-WIMBLEDON

You have been caught trying to steal the limelight, and I hope you are proud of yourself.

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 By the way, this is my favourite piece of photobombing.

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BASTARD BORING BLOODY BASTARD BEATLES!

YOU KNOW YOU MAKE ME WANT TO SHOUT.

Recently on Twitter I accidentally provoked  quite a lot of people to angrily SHOUT at me about a tweet that I had posted.

Now that is pretty much par for the course for me on twitter.

I think that if you are ever endeavoring to say something interesting, some people will always disagree with you.

If you are actually engaging with people, and saying something worth saying, then you are bound to rub someone up the wrong way.

In fact when I see professional comedians, and other people who are paid to talk about their thoughts and opinions, who have a platform on Twitter but never make jokes or state opinions, never say anything at all to spark debate and reaction, then I am always suspicious about their reasons for being on twitter in the first place.

Is it really just a place to advertise your shows, but without giving people a taste of what your sense of humour actually is?

Social networks are a brilliant way for people to check out how interesting a comedian is before they spend their hard earned cash going to see them.

I tweet loads of jokes, almost every day.

If you like these jokes then you might like to come and see me live.

If you don’t like them, then don’t come to see me live, I am happy to have saved you both  time and money.

(And to have saved myself from having an audience full of easily offended dickheads).

Check it out for yourself:

If a professional comedian is on Twitter, and they rarely post any jokes, or indeed rarely say anything interesting, question what the fuck they are doing on there, and why you would go to see them?

So I’m pleased to say that sometimes on Twitter my tweets receive a fair bit of negative feedback.

Which I really like, it makes me feel that by sparking debate and reaction, I am at least getting into interesting territory.

(Why would anyone bother to respond to me if I had not been a bit thought provoking?)

Hopefully I also manage to make the interesting subject funny while I’m there, or at the very least entertaining.

Sometimes the negative criticism comes from people wanting to have an intelligent debate about subjects that we disagree on, but more often its abuse and death threats from those people who are so full of doubt and hate that they cannot bear to have anyone voice an opinion that disagrees with their own view of the world.

There is a word for this sort of person…

Oh yes Christians.

By far the most abuse I ever get on twitter is from the “Love one another “ brigade.

I have grown to expect that now, and certainly my online debates with the Non Thinking members of the Christian Club, the Creationists, can be very amusing.

In fact, I love it.

Having contact with these people makes it almost impossible not to write jokes.

In an effort toward impartiality I should point out that other religious idiots are available.

Shop around and I’m sure you will find a group that suits you own personal tastes in stupidity.

Osmonds

Also on a regular basis I get abuse from Tories and other right wing fanatics.

Usually about taking the name of Dave Cameron and his evil disciples in vain.

Now here I feel that I am actually doing a service to society by absorbing this hatred and channeling it into comedy, thus robbing them of some of their status, and distracting them from reading the Daily Express and getting more powerful.

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Everyday that a Daily Express reader is allowed to go unchallenged they get more powerful until eventually they morph into a Tory Grandee.

If left totally unchecked this can be very dangerous indeed.

This has been proven by scientists who read the Daily Express aloud to a lab rat 24 hours a day for 6 months.

The lab rat eventually could take no more of this cruel and unusual treatment, and escaped into the wild, where it became better known as Nick Griffin.

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So I am very used to Twitter being a place of disagreements, but recently I was surprised by an angry mob complete with burning torches and pitchforks who turned up at my Cyberspace door.

Now, most regular users of Twitter know that it is  a bad idea to tweet jokes about Justin Bieber as you get thousands of BELIEBERS filling your timeline with abuse, and as they are mostly young teenage girls, no one has enough time in their life to be able to explain why it was a joke, and why they should see the funny side.

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Now I know a few guys who would like nothing better than to be abused and humiliated by teenage girls, but that is a story for another blog.

But this mob where different from the BELIEBERS in that they were mostly adults.

They were BEATLELIEBERS.

Mersey Beatles 3

I had posted a tweet that read:

“I hate the bastard boring bloody bastard Beatles”.

Now can I just say that I do not actually “hate” the bastard boring bastard Beatles.

I have only a limited amount of hate to go around, and I find that I allocate most of mine to David Cameron and George Osborne.

But I light heartedly posted:

“I hate the bastard boring bloody bastard Beatles”.

 And  before you could say Eleanor Rigby I had the Beatle Fans at my throat.

Now i’m sure that you have noticed how some people just cannot bear to hear anything negative said about the Beatles.

If you are one of these people please stop reading now.

Look at this photo.

Chinese-Beatles

Mumble “best band ever” to yourself, wipe away a tear for Saint John of Merseyside, and move on with you life. (Or stubbornly don’t move on as the case might be).

Here comes an opinion that has made me quite unpopular at family gatherings, parties, even once at a Bar Mitzvah.

I THINK THE BEATLES ARE OVERRATED.

There I’ve said it.

It is now  on the permanent record that is the internet.

It is out there for the entire world to read.

I THINK THE BEATLES ARE OVERRATED.

Now I feel a lot better for saying it.

I’m out of the closet.

In fact I would encourage all of you people who don’t really like the Beatles to come forward, be free to speak your mind.

Liberate yourself from all these years of biting your tongue and nodding along to “Yesterday”.

You can be free of living this lie.

You are not alone; you don’t have to pretend to like the Beatles anymore.

All you need is love, and a good pair of running shoes.

Beatles badge

Now many people will dismiss this by saying that the over the top reaction is just coming from The Paramilitary Wing of the Beatles Fan Club, or Scousers as they are often known.

But that has not been my experience.

The people of Liverpool are rightly proud to have had a successful band come out of Liverpool, and the City does well out of the pilgrims from all over the world who come to receive blessings and pay their respects at the Beatles Story Exhibition; £15 entrance fee.

Beatles story

I can understand Scousers having a biased view, just as I can understand Palestinian children throwing stones at the Israeli army to try to keep them off their land.

These people once had a lot, now this is all they have left and they want to protect it.

Ok here is my honest opinion;

The Beatles were a great boy band.

In fact they are the most successful boy band in the history of pop music.

But that’s not enough for their fans… The Beatles have to be the greatest band ever.

No they were a great boy band and that’s as far as it goes.

They were the One Direction of their day.

1-Direction-Out-About-Doing-The-Beatles-Famous-Walk-x-one-direction-17140825-500-293

Now this is where Beatles fans might want to point out that the Beatles actually wrote their own songs.

Ok I accept that point.

They were the Take That of their day.

Take That Beatles Medley 1994 Brit Awards BRITS

Lennon and McCartney were the Gary Barlow of  their day.

Many people have spoken of how the Beatles looked so good with their famous Mop Top haircuts.

But really great bands don’t need gimmicks to sell their music.

Really great bands let the music do the talking, and leave the gimmicks to the desperate.

With their Mop Top haircuts, The Beatles were the Jedwood of their day.

jedward

It is a little known fact that the Beatles met Jedwood’s Mum on a visit to Ireland in the 1960s.

Jedwoods MumJust listen to the Beatles; it was music for teenage girls to scream to.

What is the difference between Beatles fans…

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…and One Direction Fans?

! D

The only difference is the One Direction fans are still children, most of those Beatles fans are now grown adults and should fucking know better.

There really is no doubt that The Beatles were great Pop Music for the masses.

But by its very definition music that has mass appeal is not ground breaking or innovative.

A prophet is never popular in his own land.

The Beatles were very, very popular.

The Beatles were just a very good pop group, not groundbreaking, not the greatest band ever.

Just a really good pop group.

In fact the Beatles are in my TOP THREE POP GROUPS OF ALL TIME, just behind E17 and The Back Street Boys.

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