Here is an old joke that is told between comedians;
Two comedians; A and B are having a coffee and a chat, one says to the other;
A: “Did you hear about the great set i did on Live At The Apollo?”
B: “No i didn’t hear about that, but I’m glad it went well”
A: “Did you hear that I’ve been commissioned to have my own series on BBC Radio 4?”
B: “Naw, I hadn’t heard but well done”
A: “I had the worst gig ever last night…
B: “Yes! I heard about that”
With it being December lots of my shows are in comedy clubs full of work’s dos, and christmas parties.
These can often be quite challenging places to perform as the audiences tend to be a bit more drunk than usual, with very short attention spans.
Lots of comedians totally hate these gigs and just take most of the month off, many comedians are totally not suited to performing at these gigs but do them anyway as they need/want to money.
Personally i like the challenge of a big room full of “merry” people, if you get it to work the rewards are great, and often result in some of the best shows that a club comedian will ever do.
But more often than not its just a battle to keep their attention.
I enjoy the challenge because its like a really high risk “improv’ show, where the performer has to use their speed of thought, and years of experience to deal with what ever the audience throw at them.
Think Whose Line Is It Anyway? crossed with the gladiatorial spectacle of the Roman games.
As in Roman times there is often blood, (even if it’s just metaphorically flowing from the shattered ego of a comedian), and the gathered masses get to make the decision about whether you live or die.
The worst thing about dying at a Christmas show is that the comedian can often see it coming a long time before the audience realise that it’s going to happen.
Years of experience have taught the seasoned performer what signs and omens to watch out for, and there is one particular sign that almost always means that the comedian is about to die on stage.
One omen that when it is spotted, it causes an experienced act to glance hopefully at their watch and pray that it will show that they have done enough time to leave the stage with their head held high, and their reputation torn into big enough shreds that it is possible to stitch it back together again.
What is this sign…?
What is this his omen of impending doom…?
It’s when the comedian glimpses in the corner of their eye that the waiting staff have gathered and …
…they are getting ready to…
…SERVE THE DESSERTS!!!
There are many great comedians who have been sacrificed on the altar because of a badly timed Black Forest Gateaux.
Anyway, back to the old comedians joke that I started this blog with;
Recently I opened a christmas show, then drove quickly across the city to another comedy club where I closed that show.
I walked off stage at one club, and 15 minutes later was on stage at a different club.
All in all it was a rowdy but fun nights work.
I walking back to my car when a young couple coming the other way stopped me on the street and said that they had really enjoyed my set.
As they seemed to be coming from the opposite direction than I was, and that show had only ended 5 minutes before, I asked them what show they had seen?
It was the first gig, the one that I had opened at.
They said that they had enjoyed my bit, but said that the other act* had done really badly as all the audience had gotten much drunker by then, and he had really struggled to get thru his set.
I wished them a Merry Christmas, thanked them for their kind words about my set, and walked on.
Of course I immediately phoned my mate, the last act at the first gig, and asked him how he had gotten on.
“Terrible” he said.
“I died on my arse for 20 minutes’
“Yes I heard that” said I.
*I’ve left out the name of the other act as professional courtesy, but if you have my phone number give me a call and I will definitely tell you who the poor fucker was.
Here is my prediction for the US election.
The US economy crashes.
Within a matter of days there are riots and civil unrest on the streets.
The police become increasingly more militarised.
The people exercise their 2nd Amendment right, and take up arms against the government.
The police get given tanks.
In a panic President The Donald unleashes the zombie virus, (you know the stuff that the US has been developing as a weapon, but have not used yet as they haven’t been able to make a strain that only affects poor people).
Due to fear of contracting the zombie virus all sports events are called off, and X Factor and Americas Got Talent is cancelled.
This causes even bigger riots on the streets.
The zombie virus mutates, becomes airbourne, and infects every inhabited part of the globe.
President The Donald panics and launches a nuclear blanket bombing campaign.
(rumours that after he launched the weapons of mass destruction he smirked and said ‘You’re fired” are strongly denied by the a Whitehouse spokesperson).
President Putin retaliates by launching a nuclear attack.
Kim Jong-Un retaliates by launching a nuclear attack.
The British Government sets up a focus group to come up with a plan of action.
The highest ranking officers in the British military gather and spend 24 hours in a top secret bunker deciding on a code name for the operation that they will launch just as soon as they have a really good code name for it.
The human race becomes extinct.
Planet earth is reduced to a post apocalyptic wasteland.
Jesus keeps his prearranged appointment and returns for his come back tour only to find that his flock is dead, and his father’s work is all ruined, with nothing remaining of the human race except for Trump’s wig blowing in the toxic wind.
Of course it is exactly the same outcome if Hilary Clinton wins, it just happens faster and in a more organised way.
This tune seems appropriate for the days ahead.
Good luck now.
Have you ever noticed that there are no intelligent religious people?
If you are the sort of person who likes to have a knee jerk reaction please leave now and go straight to the comments section at the bottom of the page.
Do it quickly now before your brain kicks in and you start accidentally thinking.
Back to my original statement;
THERE ARE NO INTELLIGENT RELIGIOUS PEOPLE.
There exists a sort of sliding scale of intelligence where the more religious a person is, the less intelligent they are.
It is almost in direct proportion.
Very religious = very stupid.
A person can be a little bit religious, and a little bit intelligent.
But no one is very religious and very intelligent at the same time.
This is easiest to spot in religious extremists.
There are no intelligent religious extremists, only stupid ones.
For example suicide bombers are never the brightest sparks, well maybe they are for a split second as they blast off to heaven to get their reward.
(BTW We should be thankful that often anyone willing to kill in the name of religion is also ready to die for it.The sooner that DNA is removed from our collective gene pool the quicker we can all evolve into intelligent, peaceful atheists).
Of course there are religious people who appear to be intelligent.
Do not be fooled by this illusion.
They are either religious or intelligent, they can not be both.
In reality they are often not actually religious people, in reality they are intelligent people trying to appear religious.
Now why would an intelligent person want to appear religious?
I’ll tell you why.
They are hiding out in plain sight, pretending to be religious people while they carry out their evil ways.
People like Tony Blair,
or the Pope.
Both clearly intelligent people, both clearly evil people, and both pretending to be religious in order to get away with their evil deeds.
It is of course very common to find evil people hiding behind a smokescreen of religion.
For further proof please Google “paedophile priests”
Another category of person who seems to be attracted to religion are the mentally ill, and these poor people need our help and support whenever possible.
Unfortunately it is not always easy to distinguish between the genuinely mentally ill and the religiously deluded, as often they all hear voices, or in the case of the religious they follow the guidance of the priest who hears the voices for them.
So in conclusion, if a person is very religious they fall into one of these categories:
Or they might just be a child who has not reached the age of reason yet, in which case we need to educate them, and protect them, and keep them away from the stupid people, and the evil people.
and Tony Blair.
Definitely keep your children away from Tony Blair.
I have had a couple of my friends fall out with me recently because i made this simple statement;
PEOPLE WHO KEEP CATS ARE NOT ANIMAL LOVERS.
I didn’t mean to upset anyone, but its true and they needed to be told.
They might be cat lovers but they are definetly not animal lovers.
People who keep cats cannot describe themselves as animal lovers, because they are either the facilitators, or the practitioners of animal cruelty.
Here is the logic behind that statement;
If you let your cat outdoors it will hunt and kill native species of birds etc.
It will dig up your neighbours garden.
It will shit on your neighbours property.
If peoples dogs were running round killing things and digging up the neighbour’s gardens, there would be an outcry, but because cats do most of their dirty deeds under the cover of darkness they get away with it.
Stalking around our towns by night causing havoc, and hiding out by day in the disguise of a fluffy family pet.
A family pet that murders for fun.
Only showing their trophies, and their true nature to their owners.
And their so called animal lover owners help to cover up the killings by hiding the bodies.
I had a friend who said that her cat was not like that and never ever killed anything, but when pressed about it she admitted that it did bring things in, but only once or twice a week.
Even if your cat only kills animals once or twice a week that is still 50 to 100 plus creatures killed in a year, and a domestic cat can live for 15 years so that’s up to 1,500 deaths of native species caused by just one domestic cat.
The worse thing was that this woman also has bird feeders up in her garden, tempting the victims in to that her pet killer can murder them for fun.
Rather than being an animal lover, she is an accomplice in animal killing.
Of course not all cat owners are aiding and abetting their little death dealers in the slaughter.
Many people get round this problem by keeping their cats indoors all the time.
The so-called “house cat”.
Sorry to burst your bubble….but;
There is no such thing as a house cat; it is just a cat that has the misfortune of belonging to the sort of people who are willing keep it imprisoned for life.
Locked up indoors all day, every day, day after day, all year, for all of its life.
A living creature locked up for the entirety of its life, simply for your pleasure.
A life sentence so that you can stroke it occasionally.
If your cat is happy in the house all day, then why is it always looking out of the window?
Looking out the window at a world that it will never be allowed to experience.
No wonder that when you return home your cat seems happy to see you, the poor thing is desperately bored and lonely.
When you take the hood off a prisoner in Guantanamo Bay, I bet that they are quite pleased to see you.
What cat owners think of as love is actually Stockholm Syndrome.
A domestic cat will range up over surprisingly large distances on its nocturnal excursions, have a look at this link:
By anyone’s standards keeping one locked up all the time is a cruel and unusual punishment.
Except that unfortunately it is not at all unusual.
This is definitely not the behaviour of an animal lover.
Perhaps there is another option if you insist upon keeping a cat; Take your cat for a walk on a lead.
This is done so rarely that you hardly ever see it done.
This all brings me to the conclusion that however you are keeping your cat there is some cruelty involved, either to the native creatures that get toyed with and killed or to the cat itself.
Imagine if someone you knew had a dog that never left the house, that never got a walk, never in its entire life.
You would be straight on the phone to the RSPCA.
In my opinion cats are totally unsuitable animals to be kept as pets; you can’t let them out with causing damage to native wildlife, and you can’t keep them in, as that is cruel to the cat.
There is an alternative;
IF YOU WANT A CAT GET A DOG.
Dogs have all the same good qualities of a cat, a loving companion, fun to play with, like being stroked. But with the added advantage that you can, (indeed you have to), take it out for walks.
And I think this highlights the real reason why most so called “cat lovers” are attracted to cats;
They are a pet that you do not have to invest very much effort into.
A cat is a pet for people who can’t really be bothered caring for a pet.
If the majority of your interaction with your pet happens with you sitting on the sofa then something is wrong.
Of course not all dog owners are the sort of people who you would trust to look after a living creature.
There are a whole group of dog owners who I would like to see banned from ever keeping pets.
These people have an entire industry dedicated to supplying them with the items they need to publicly display their unsuitability as pet owners.
I am of course talking about the people who like to dress their dog up in human clothes!
Dogs are not dolls for you to play dress up with!
They are living creatures not your toys.
Within this group of people who indulge in this forced anthropomorphic cross-dressing, there is an even crueler faction, the worst of the worst;
The people who dress, and treat their dogs like human babies.
Clearly this is wrong.
I’ve even seen dogs with little booties on their feet.
Anybody who dresses a dog like a human child should not be allowed to have a dog…or a child.
Next time you see a person who is treating a dog like this, look at them a little bit closer, are they a well balanced, fully functioning member of society?
No of course they are not!
They are clearly a fucking weirdo!
It’s not cute, it’s not funny, (well sometimes it is funny, but only if it is a one off joke and not how the poor creature will be treated for its entire life).
Ok now I realise that many people will think I am being a bit harsh here, that this is just harmless fun, so consider this;
Think how we would feel if that same adult instead of having a dressed up dog, had a doll that they dressed up.
Imagine if they were carrying a doll around with them.
An adult with a doll that they dressed up, that they took out for walks, and showed to people for them to say how cute their doll was.
We would think that there was something wrong with them.
Well that is exactly how we should view this behaviour when its victim is a dog.
A dog is not a substitute for a child, so if you really want something to dress up and play with get a doll, not a dog.
If there really was a god, (of course there fucking isn’t…grow the fuck up).
If there really was a god, or any natural justice in the world, then if these dodgy doggy dress up dickheads ever actually did manage to find someone to procreate with, and had a baby… then it would come out looking like a pug!
Actually all babies do start out pug ugly…
But don’t get me started on babies.
“Why do women wear make up and perfume?
Because they’re ugly and they smell”
The big news in social network land this week has been a popular trend for women to post photographs of themselves without any make up on.
The idea was to raise money for Cancer Research.
The women would take a photograph of themselves without any make up on, post it on Facebook and Twitter, and people would reward them for their efforts by making a donation to Cancer Research.
Using the hash tag #nomakeupselfie, thousands of women took part and raised an amazing 2 million pounds.
While this is clearly a great thing for the charity concerned it also raised awareness of another issue;
That some women are afraid/uncomfortable/unhappy to be seen in public without make up on.
How strange that this should be happening in a modern country in 2014!
The thing that got to me was that a great many of these people were being described as “brave” for daring to go make up free?
If a woman in a Taliban controlled area of Afghanistan defied the men who were oppressing her, and stopped wearing her burka that would most definitely be brave.
But for women in the UK to be called brave for simply showing their face seems to highlight a problem.
What has happened to all these women’s self esteem?
I remember first thinking about this years ago when a friend of mine was going out with a really nice girl who wore quite a lot of make up.
Our group of friends all thought that she was great, and we were surprised when he told us that he was planning to split up with her.
We then subjected him to the usual sort of nosey interrogation that only friends and MI5 can get away with, as to the reasons why.
When he finally cracked and spilled the beans it turned out that he had never seen her without her make up on, she would get up before him every morning and put her full slap on before he was allowed to see her.
This had caused him to feel that no matter how close they got, no matter how intimate they became, she was always hiding something from him.
That he could never actually see the real her.
In his words she was “always wearing a mask”.
I expect that quite an extreme example, (I hope), but you see my point?
I feel that it is really quite sad if women are feeling the need to mask up in order to be accepted in society.
This is almost like a cultural burka.
These days we all know about the lengths that woman’s magazines will go to perpetuate this feeling of low self esteem; airbrushing, using anorexic models, etc.
Women’s magazines are propaganda tools for an insidious industry trying to sell you stuff.
Lots of stuff!
The same magazines that promote and feed these feelings of inadequacy make a large percentage of their profits from the very industry that can sell you the “solution”.
They are like drug dealers for the make up companies, keeping you feeling bad about your self and introducing you to “their man” who can sell you something to take the pain away.
Of course we know that this doesn’t work and the empty feeling of inadequacy can not be filled with pan stick and lip gloss, but once they have you hooked you just keep coming back for more.
The (overly) simple answer is to cut them off at the source, and just stop buying these magazines.
Here is a little secret, a secret that everyone already knows;
Men don’t want women to look like some super model.
If a man really likes you it is for your personality and not just your looks.
If any potential partner’s main requirement is what you look like then they are probably not a keeper.
Of all these women that took part in #nomakeupselfie, I bet none of their partners would love them any less if they stopped wearing the make up.
There is nothing more attractive than a happy, confident woman who is comfortable in her own skin.
Women of the world unite; you have nothing to lose but your chains…
And your blocked pores.
This problem is not just limited to women.
As a 50 year old man I have see a slow change over the years in the way that the cosmetics companies have started to target men.
Not content with chipping away at the self-esteem of 50% of the population, they want to make 100% of people to feel bad about their looks.
And of course this is all designed to increase the market for their products.
I saw an advert recently;
A slightly greying man in his late 40s, dressed in a smart business suit and looking amazing, smiles at a beautiful young woman in a lift, she smiles back.
The voice over says: “what you think are great lines, she thinks of as premature aging” .
What they really are saying is “stop feeling good about yourself, you are worthless if a young women does not think you are attractive”.
Now we all know that women, even young ones, are usually not that shallow.
Neither are most men.
The cosmetics company has a plan:
“Now that we have planted a seed of unhappiness, buy our product.
We will be back to water that seed on a regular basis”.
Don’t let them water that seed.
Aging is natural, they can’t stop it.
All they want to do is sell you their product and they will systematically lower your self-esteem in order to do so.
These companies have to spend millions in order to do this, they have to run these campaigns for years, and they have to get you hooked when you are young.
Because it is so easy for you to stop buying the shit they are trying to sell you.
Just say no.
Then another issue raised its head;
In support of, and as a response to #nomakeupselfie lots of men started to post photos of themselves wearing “woman’s” make up.
This was all considered a great laugh.
Why is a man looking like a woman considered funny?
There is a long history of men dressing as women Britain.
Men dressing up as women on stag nights…
Men dressing as women in panto…
Men dressing as women in comedy shows.
The generally this is considered funny because men are often thought of as being higher status than women, so by dressing like a woman the man is lowering his status…for a laugh.
Even as recently as during my lifetime people used to black up in the name of entertainment, blacking up for a laugh.
As black people were not viewed as equals, a white man blacking up was lowering his status as so it was considered funny.
I wonder if future generations will look back at us and ask;
Why was looking like a woman funny?
Just as we now ask why was blacking up thought to be funny?
I like Iggy Pop’s take on it.
This judging people by their looks is all bullshit anyway.
People are scared of young black guys in hoodies in case they are muggers, when really the biggest muggers have been proven to be the respectable white, middle class men in their business suits.
The country isn’t fucked because of young guys in hoodies, it’s fucked because of business criminals in business suits.
Try this; every time you see a man or woman in a business suit look at them with suspicion.
Every time you see someone wearing a costume of respectability, ask your self; what are they up to?
We have very little to fear from hoodies, we have a lot to fear from men in suits.
If you want to keep your children safe warn them about the dangers of white, middle class men in suits.
So far we have been giving respect to the wrong people, based on what they look like, based on their gender, race, how they dress.
People have been showing respect to things that you can simply buy if you have enough money; a business suit, a crown, a peerage.
This all goes to show that we should judge people by their actions, not their looks.
Perhaps when we actually have equality a man looking like a woman will no longer be funny.
Perhaps when we have equality women will only wear make up if they want to, not because they feel that they have to.
And they won’t be called brave for showing their face.
I’m hoping that it won’t be too long before this happens.
Take the #nomakeupselfie, a bunch of women raised 2 million pounds in 24 hours by simply posting a photograph of themselves.
Just think what we could do if we actually put our minds to it.
Councillors in Newtownabbey, Northern Ireland have banned The Reduced Shakespeare Company’s performance of The Bible; The Complete Word Of God (abridged), on the grounds that it is blasphemous.
It is a comedy play that has been performed since 1995 without complaint.
That is until they met the Newtownabbey Taliban.
As a result of the ban the RSC have received a lot of attention.
On social networks the hash tag #ThouShaltNotLaugh has been trending.
It has been great publicity, and they have had many offers from venues that want to book the play.
So well done Newtownabbey Councillors on stopping the spread of blasphemy.
If you fancy a job promoting my Edinburgh Fringe Show please give me a shout.
Councillor Billy Ball had demanded the production was cancelled, claiming the play makes a mockery of the Bible and Christianity.
“This is supposed to be a Christian nation and we are allowing the Bible to be mocked and slated,” he said.
Apparently none of the councillors had actually seen the show, so on what basis are they saying it’s blasphemous?
Who’s word are they going on?
Maybe they had received a message from God.
Apparently poor wee God can’t bear to be laughed at, and has to be protected by the almighty moral guardians on the Council.
This reminds me of something that happened to me last year;
A woman came up to me at a gig and complained about the “bad” language of the acts.
(I don’t believe that there are actually any bad words, only words used with bad intentions).
I was the compere of this particular show, and often when you are the compere, the audience think that it’s your show, and this woman assumed that I had booked the acts.
So she complained to me that the “bad” language was offensive.
I asked her if she had been to live comedy before, and it turned out this was her first time in a comedy club.
I explained that the use of any “bad” language in the show was entirely in keeping with what one could expect in any comedy club in the country.
This was what people talked like in comedy clubs.
The language was entirely appropriate for an adult audience in a comedy club.
She replied that I should tell them to stop it (I assume she meant the acts in that particular show not every club in the country).
I then asked her why the acts should stop when it was totally acceptable to most, if not all, of the other members of the audience. She replied “ I don’t like it, so you should make them stop”.
I then tried to gently suggest that it was her who was in the wrong place.
As an adult it was her responsibility to judge if a particular type of entertainment was to her taste or not.
As an adult, any fault for the offence she felt lay entirely with her for coming out to a type of entertainment that she didn’t like, and perhaps now that she knew what it was like she should not go to live comedy again, as it probably would have the same sort of “bad” language.
You will not be surprised to discover that this was not what she wanted to hear.
She repeated her assertion that I should make them stop using any language that she didn’t like, and then told me she was going to find someone else to complain to.
I wished her luck and she fucked off.
In her world the very fact that SHE didn’t like it meant that no one else should get to see it.
This is clearly a ridiculous stance.
In my opinion;
1. Adults do not need to be protected from any offence, and it’s very patronising for anyone to assume that they have the right to “protect” other adults.
Even if they feel they are doing the work of God.
2. That woman was not injured/hurt/damaged by any of the swearing, and of course she was free to leave at any time.
3. You have NO right NOT to be offended.
You can choose to be offended, and you are entitled to your individual tastes, but as long as no actual laws are broken then your offence is as far as it goes.
Perhaps you can complain to your mother.
4. You do have the right to be informed.
If someone turned up to see a performance, and it was radically different from how it been advertised, and sold, then they have cause to complain.
If the show is sold as;
Vanessa Feltz shitting into Simon Cowell’s mouth, while Ant and Dec taser her tits, and then they all bounce on a trampoline while singing the National Anthem, then I can’t complain if I buy a ticket and that is exactly what happens.
Equally if it’s a show targeted at children, I should be safe to expect that there would be no swearing.
These days people not only love to be offended, they love showing other people just how offended they are.
Recently on the Radio Four program Chain Reaction, Frankie Boyle made an interesting point;
The man who was the voice of the speaking clock had recently died, and Frankie had made a joke about it.
A journalist from one of the tabloids contacted Frankie’s agent and said that they were contacting the dead man’s family to tell them the joke, and did Frankie want to send them an apology.
Frankie’s response was that he was not the one causing the offence, the journalist was.
In fact the journalist was going out of their way to deliberately offend the family.
Frankie then made a good analogy;
If someone projected a porn movie onto the wall of a primary school, the police don’t go and arrest the porn stars.
Back to the Northern Irish evangelical Christian Taliban moral guardians.
I think their uninformed outrage, is actually based on their own fears.
They have based so much of their identity on being Christians; that they are terrified their faith is not actually strong enough to withstand any criticism.
I’m happy to hear any debate about something that I believe in, as I’m secure in my beliefs, and if my beliefs don’t stand up to scrutiny, then I change my beliefs.
This is how we learn.
This is how we gain wisdom.
Basically the faith of these Christians is so fragile that they can’t hear ANY criticism of it, as it just doesn’t stand up to criticism.
That’s what the blasphemy thing is all about.
They are worried that if believers hear anything that doesn’t fit their worldview that it will all crumble, as of course it will.
It all falls apart under the slightest criticism.
They are desperately trying to protect a house of cards.
A really old outdated house of cards, with most of its foundations eroded away by education, and now faced with the strong winds of free flowing information in the age of the Internet.
How can such primitive beliefs ever remain?
They can only remain by stopping people from thinking, and one of the things criticism does is to force you to think.
So to protect their fragile faith they need to stop any criticism of it.
They want to keep people ignorant and unquestioning.
I’m also very mistrusting of anyone who is too staunch in their views.
Anyone who protests too loudly.
I always wonder what they are hiding?
It does not surprise me that so many paedophile priests got away with it for so long by hiding behind religion.
The same religion that you are not allowed to question.
It’s the perfect smokescreen.
But these people in Newtownabbey are only local councillors, not the moral guardians that they are making themselves out to be.
It is not the job of the local council to say what their fellow citizens can and cannot see.
Their job is to make sure the wheelie bins get emptied on time, and that the grass in the park gets cut.
We do not need moral guardians.
We already have systems in place to deal with this sort of thing;
The Law can be called upon if it is something extreme; hate crime, incitement to violence etc.
And in the world of entertainment there is a tried and tested system in place;
If the public don’t like a show, they simply don’t buy a ticket, if enough people don’t buy a ticket then the show folds and goes away.
That’s how easy it is.
Religion is a personal choice, and should be kept private or in the appropriate places.
I won’t try to show the Life Of Brian in your church, if you don’t try to tell me what I can see in my chosen place of entertainment.
This week sees the continuation of the Lord Rennard debacle.
Now I’m not going to discuss the sexual harassment case as we don’t really have all the facts yet.
The thing that is clear is the Lib Dems do seem to be very talented at shooting themselves in the foot.
Doing this very dirty washing in public, the party ripping itself apart, and not to forget the total disgrace of their other public humiliation… Nick Clegg.
An interesting thing about this story is that I instantly thought that Lord Rennard must be guilty.
Not because he looks like the sort of bloke who might be a bit touchy, but because he is a Lord.
I had an instant mistrust of him based solely on the fact that he holds the title of Lord.
My experience of life so far has taught me that anyone with the word Lord before their name is always dodgy.
Lord, Baroness, Sir, The Right Honourable Gentleman, always dodgy.
I’ve seen and heard of people getting robbed in the street by “hoodies”, but in order to get away with robbing the whole street, or indeed the whole country, you really need a title before your name.
Just think about people you know in real life, anyone who is genuinely a decent person doesn’t need a title to tell people how good they are.
Normal people get judged by their actions, not their titles.
But the really big criminals are hiding in plain sight, even flaunting themselves in their ermine edged robes.
The titles are a smokescreen.
If you are a criminal who is really good at it, eventually you graduate to being a businessman.
If you are good at that, and grease the right palms, eventually you become a Lord.
The title is like your officially endorsed Big Criminal Licence.
Basically becoming a Lord is your reward for being a really good criminal.
The great American comedian George Carlin referred to them as “business criminals”.
I prefer the term “business cunts”.
Now I can hear some of you shouting about all the worthy recipients of honours; Dame Tanni Grey Thompson, Sir Bradley Wiggins, Sir David Attenborourgh.
The great and the good.
Pretty much liked by everyone, not a bad word to be said about any of them.
But in reality they are really just there as human shields for the scoundrels to hide behind.
Because the general public (rightly) love David Attenborough, and can clearly see how deserving he is of a gong, we then assume that all the recipients must be just as worthy.
The decent people who accept these awards are allowing themselves to be used by the immoral and unethical to create a smokescreen for them to hide behind.
This allows them to continue on in their unacceptable activities, wearing their badge of respectability.
Really those decent and deserving people who accept titles are actually aiding and abetting the criminal activity of the business cunts.
They are business cunt facilitators.
Because without the support, or in most cases indifference of the public, these corrupt institutions could not continue.
But the herd does not like to make a fuss.
The herd does the bidding of their betters.
If people stopped and looked for even a moment it would be clear to them that our “betters” are amongst the worst people in society.
We are being governed by the least of us, rather than the best.
Now not all of the House of Lords have become titled through dodgy activity, some have inherited their title.
The Hereditary peers.
These people are allowed to make decisions that affect all of us in the country, based not on any of their own actions, but because they happened to be born to a Peer.
We are being ruled over by the children of business cunts.
But the general public would generally prefer to ignore the evidence of their own experience.
People would rather believe the propaganda that they are fed, because to realise the truth is just too terrifying, just too horrible to contemplate.
It can’t be true can it?
It just can’t be true that the very people we trust to look after us are really the bogymen, coming to rob and rape us!
It’s like when people don’t want to think that their parents ever had a sex life, it’s more comfortable to remain in your childlike state of innocence.
And why not?
Childhood was happy, someone was looking after you, no need to worry.
Well the uncomfortable truth is your parents were fucking like rabbits.
All that dirty sex that you have ever had, or ever heard of, your mum and dad were doing it all.
They were doing all that dirty sex while you slept innocently in your childhood bed.
Just like now.
The Right Honourable Gentlemen are fucking the country, while you sleep in your comfortable bed of indifference.
It’s ok, everything is ok.
The government are looking after us.
Mummy, and Daddy, and Sir Bradley Wiggins will keep us safe.