JOB VACANCY.

JOB VACANCY.

Wanted: One Pope.

Must be male, old, and catholic.

Some knowledge of the woods is good, but not essential.

Must be adept at keeping problems in-house.

Good references not necessary.

The applicant should be confortable wearing women’s clothing.

 Josef-Ratzinger-Pope-Benedict-XVI.-Born-1927.-Mass.-Vatican.-Incense.-1ab.

The big news story of the week is that the pope has resigned.

Basically he was going along great as the Pope, and then he joined Twitter, and now he has lost all interest in doing his real job.

I confess that I have been sending him quite a lot of sarcastic tweets since he joined, maybe that’s what got to him in the end.

No need to thank me, I see it as a public service.

WHAT HAPPENS IN VATICAN CITY, STAYS IN VATICAN CITY.

I wonder why he has chosen now to resign?

Whenever anyone in a position of power resigns suddenly, I always think that it’s to stop some unsavoury story from coming out.

But what could a man of god have to hide?

Perhaps Operation Yewtree has had further reaching consequences than we imagined.

Except that it has now closed, I would think the News Of The World had a hand in it.

I don’t suppose we will ever find out exactly what the butler saw.

107155516_vatileaks_298967c

As the pope is supposed to be God’s spokesman here on earth, I wouldn’t have thought resignation was an option!

Will god stop talking to him now, or will the ex pope still be in daily communication with god, but just stop passing the messages on to us?

Pope looking up

POST POPE.

He is being given the traditional retirement gift of a gold watch.

Apparently they have managed to polish the Swastika off the back.

I think it is good that he has retired, he has spent his life doing the work of god and now he has time to sit back, relax, and enjoy his reward, before spending the rest of eternity burning in Hell.

I wonder what his post papal life will be like?

Lots of recently retired men struggle to come to terms with their retirement.

It must be even worse if you were the Pope.

Having worked your way up the ranks and reached the heights of pontiff, only to give it all away.

One day you are Pope Benedict XVI, the next you are plain old Georg Ratzinger.

One day you are a very powerful and influential man, and the next day you are just a bloke in a dress and a big hat trying to play golf.

popegolf

Perhaps that’s it, without the big Pope Hat he doesn’t get the signals through from god anymore.

That might actually be where the real power is…in the big Pope Hat.

The Pope Hat might be the receiver for the voice of god, and anyone wearing it can hear the messages.

(This is no less plausible than all that other shit they would have you believe).

The Pope and hat-1

I have spent a couple of hours today making a replica Pope Hat out of cereal boxes and Sellotape, and I can report that I didn’t hear the voice of god, only a slight sound of the sea.

The sea, and my tinnitus (that I have had since a firework went off too close to me when I was a kid).

Unlike god, my tinnitus has always been there for me.

The downside of the Pope’s retirement is that the Catholic Church now have to elect a new leader, on the plus side, sales of Benedict XVI Tea Towels have gone through the roof.

EQUAL MARRIAGE.

Another big news story has been the government passing the bill on Equal marriage, allowing same sex couples to get married in both civil and religious ceremonies.

The vote was 400 for, and 175 against, with 136 of the votes against being Tories.

GayWeddingCake_large

I think we should all chip in and buy a dictionary for all of those people who voted against so they can look up the word “Equality”.

As members of Parliament you would think they should know that it is illegal in the UK to discriminate against anyone on the grounds of their sexuality.

Of course the religious have been quoting from their Big Book Of Bigotry that its not god’s way.

Marriage has to be between a man and a woman as “Homosexuality is an abomination to God”

The bible also says you cannot wear two pieces of different cloth sown together in one garment, or have tattoos, or trim your beard.

The bible also gives advice about buying slaves, killing “Children who curse their parents”, and gives advice about the correct way to beat your wife.

Its there in all its glory in Leviticus, (have a look for yourself, especially if you are one of those Christians who hasn’t bothered to read the users manual yet).

28570_leviticus_t_sm

Thankfully most Christians choose to ignore most of these rules, but still cherry pick the ones they like, as and when it suits them.

I don’t think rulebooks work like that!

Otherwise Alex Ferguson would have rewritten the FA Rule Book years ago.

I really don’t see what all the fuss is about?

The worst thing that can come of Gay Marriage is that straight people will have to reassess what they consider to be a FABULOUS wedding!

The church should just invest in a Mirror Ball and get on with it.

Equal Marriage will not affect religious people in any way.

Equal Marriage will not affect straight people in any way.

When the government first legalised Homosexuality, straight church goers didn’t suddenly get forced to start having anal sex. (Even if a bit of anal might do them the world of good).

As some bloke from a long time ago was supposed to say;

“LOVE ONE ANOTHER”

The-Italian-clothing-company-Benetton-has-been-heavily-criticized-by-the-Vatican-for-using-an-image-of-Pope-Benedict-kissing-an-imam-on-the-mouth-in-its-latest-shock-advertising-campaign-160x160

***No Catholics or Homophobes were injured in the making of this blog***

2 comments

  1. Harry Mullan

    Martin, we are both going to burn in hell, but that was your funniest blog to date. keep it up and keep an old man happy.
    Harry in Derry.

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