BACK TO THE FUTURE.

POSH GYM.
Today I went to a city centre gym that was easily the poshest gym I’ve ever been to in my life.
The gym that I normally train in at home only turns the heating on if the weights actually freeze to the racks, and their idea of luxury is a bucket beside the squat rack for you to puke in!
At this posh gym, everyone was wearing really smart, trendy gym kit.
I normally just go in old shorts and whatever t-shirt I had on the day before, but here everyone had expensive gym clothes that would not have been out of place on the winner’s podium at the Lycra Wearer of the Year awards.

Even the people who just got gym memberships for Christmas were well kitted out.
Oh by the way, if you are one of these gym newbies don’t think that we can’t spot you.
A new gym member can be spotted a mile off.
The newbie woman all have a sweatshirt tied around their waist because they think it hides their big bum, the newbie men are the ones lifting weights far to heavy for them in an effort to impress the other men.

At this gym today, I noticed a trend that I have not spotted before, the fashion for really big expensive headphones.
Everyone had these huge DJ style headphones on.
The place looked like on of those Silent Discos, but a bit sweatier.

Now I can see why you might not want to listen to the music that they pump into the gym, but why have these massive things on your head while exercising, surely they get in the way?
Then I realized that they are not there for listening to music!
Oh no!
These headphones are there to show the other people how cool you are!
Status headphones.
Fashion headphones.
Wanker headphones.

That’s why as iPods and MP3 players have gotten smaller and smaller until they are the size of a postage stamp, the headphones have gotten bigger and bigger.
They have to be big so that other people can see how much money you have spent, and how totally hip you are.

These days all the things that are on show are bigger, and flashier and more expensive, and the hidden stuff is smaller and more convenient.

Like a man driving a Hummer and his tiny penis.

Like women with huge hair -dos and a Brazilian.

Big hair and a Brazilian is the modern day equal vent of “Fur coat and no knickers”.

It’s was different in my day, in the 1980s I went out with a skinhead girl.
She had a shaved head and pubic hair that looked like Kevin Keegan’s mullet; big and curly with long straggly bits hanging down.

Also in the early ‘80s, you were no one if you didn’t have a massive ghetto blaster A barely portable sound system that you humped around with you, spending all of your pocket money on batteries that only lasted for half of an AC/DC cassette if you played it on full blast.
And of course you always played it on full blast!

One guy at this gym had his headphones on and his hood up, but as its no good having expensive headphones if no one can see them, and so he was wearing them over his hoodie.
So now he has expensive headphones but is listening to them thru a layer of cloth.
Nothing is going to sound good thru a layer of cloth….unless it’s Justin Bieber.
A couple of layers of cloth would improve Bieber.

To me this guy just seemed a fool; all that money spent just for the other people to think he was cool.
Unless he had cut out little holes in his hoodie and his ears were poking thru so he looked cool, and still had perfect sound quality.…then I’m the idiot!

PORN.

This week one of my friends told me that he and his girlfriend had been together for 15 years, so to spice up their love life they had started watching porn movies together.

I can not imagine anything worse!
Watching big professional pornstar cocks, and then I have to get out my little ginger Irish dick!
I think that is the difference between male porn stars and regular blokes; porn stars have COCKS, and regular guys have dicks.

You hear people saying “a hard cock” but people don’t really say “a hard dick”
Someone can be ”a bit of a cock” but it’s always “a total dick”.

A FABULOUS DAY OUT.

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This weekend I have been performing in the lovely Glasgow Stand, and we had a comedians outing to the theatre.
All the acts from the gig; Ian Coppinger, Roisin Conaty, and Lloyd Langford plus Frankie Boyle and Glen Wool took ourselves to see 9 To 5 The Musical at the King’s Theatre in Glasgow.
Its was a fun show, Dolly Parton is part of the show, delivering her prerecorded lines from a big screen, which caused Glen Wool to whoop with delight every time she appeared.

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While we all had a fabulous time, (you can’t write about a Dolly Parton show without using the word fabulous at least once), I don’t think that we were really their target audience.
Mostly the crowd was older women in groups; I don’t know what the collective noun for a group of older women is?
Perhaps a Menopause of older women.
They all seemed to have come well prepared, as there were lots of boxes of chocolates being passed around.
But even a lovely good-natured crowd like this, turned into nasty man haters when the sexist boss in the show got his comeuppance.
Thankfully we were safe as our very presence at a show like this marked us out as gay guys.

Next time you see a tabloid headline about what a terrible, vile monster Frankie Boyle is, just picture him clapping and singing along to 9 To 5.

Anyone who likes Dolly Parton can’t be all that bad.

ROLLER DISCO.

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Today in Glasgow I saw this sign for a Roller Disco.
I’ve not heard of Roller Discos happening since the 1980s.
Maybe it’s true what they say;
What goes around comes around.

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